Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Why I'm Probably a Supervillian

Hey, you remember those quizzes that were all the rage a couple years ago?  You know, the ones that asked you this long series of unrelated questions about your life and then told you to answer them by putting iTunes on shuffle? 

Well, I did one of these just now because I couldn't think of anything to write about. I'll share the answers with you; Some of them are scarily accurate, others hilarious, and still more so nonsensical that it's a stretch to assign them any meaning whatsoever.  And yet, as is only right, I have done my best to frame each answer as a deep, clever insight, using only my wit and neatly placed parentheticals.  Enjoy!

How am I feeling today?
Stand Here with Me - Creed
(Somewhere between needy and clingy.)

Will I get far in life?
Dread and the Fugitive Mind - Megadeth
(The better question is: How far will I make it from the prison before they track me down and drag me back?)


How do my friends see me?
Bye Bye Beautiful - Nightwish
(I see two interpretations here.  They're jealous of my looks and plan to disown me, or they're jealous and plan to cover me in gasoline and packing peanuts and then set me on fire.)

When will I get Married?
My Sacrifice - Creed
(No answer as far as timetable goes.  But apparently I won't be thrilled about it.)

What is my best friend's theme song?
The Dream of a Normal Death - Murray Gold
(Hahaha!  All these odd and unusual deaths will constantly present themselves to him and he will grow increasingly exasperated as he searches for that one perfectly mundane death.)

What is the story of my life?
Crash Landing - Jack Wall
(Nobody expected me to show up and I caused a hell of an explosion when I did.)

What was high school like?
Erana's Garden - Aubrey Hodges
(Pretty, but altogether creepy.  Also one of the only safe places to sleep in the entire country.)

How am I going to get ahead in life?
Dead to the World - Nightwish
(Apathy!  I knew I was on to something.)

What is the best thing about me?
Walk On Water - Milk Inc.
(My supernatural aspects can't be discounted.)

How is today going to be?
Turn the Page - Metallica
(Just another day in the life... and it's after midnight.  Awesome.  Bring on the monotony!)

What is in store for this weekend?
The White Stuff - Weird Al
(For all you sickos out there, this song is about Oreos. The cookie.)

What song describes my parents?
Late Great Planet Earth - Plumb
(They always did strike me as particularly post-apocalyptic.)

How is my life going?
Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
(That... that one is just painful.)

What song will play at my funeral?
Masterpiece Conspiracy - P.O.D.
(We assure you everyone, he is most certainly dead! ...Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.)

How does the world see me?
Get On (Away from me) - Third Day
(Unwanted and unloved.  I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight.)

Will I have a happy life?
Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra
(If that's where happiness is, let's go!)

What do my friends really think of me?
Idiot Box - Incubus
(No respect!  None whatsoever!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Rebirthing - Skillet
(Only when I reinvent myself.  They quickly lose interest after.)

How can I make myself happy?
Neutron Star Collision - Muse
(Again, two possible meanings.  I either need to find my polar opposite, or start smashing stars together.  The second sounds more fun.)

What should I do with my life?
Soul - Matchbox Twenty
(Yes... I'm a soul man. <ba-duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh>)

Will I ever have children?
1000 Julys - Third Eye Blind
(Yes.  Every one of them, named July.  Daycares will make millions off me.)

What is some good advice for me?
I Want You - Third Eye Blind
(That's not advice.  That's an unwanted advance.  Get away from me, you creepy quiz.)

What is my signature dancing song?
The Hazards Of Love - The Decemberists
(Also, the hazards of bad rhythm.)

What do I think my current theme song is?
Lint In My Pocket - lpoutsiders
(Give me a sec... okay, according to my bank account, yes.  This one's true.)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Deathaura - Sonata Arctica
(FEAR ME!!)

What type of women do I like?
Put Your Hand Inside The Puppet Head - They Might Be Giants
(I'm apparently not a big fan of women who think for themselves.  Hello, chauvinism.)

So what did I learn about myself from this quiz?  I'm needy, chauvinistic, unwanted, unloved and apathetic, yet also powerful, a master of deception, prone to theatrics, and the progenitor of a new breed of crazy people.

Holy crap.  I'm a supervillian.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present -- me.

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