So has anybody else been keeping an eye on the 'Total Recall' remake that's coming out soon? No? Well, that makes me feel better, since I haven't either. Really, I think it's a bit too soon to be remaking that film. The statute of limitations on remakes needs to be at least thirty years, and Total Recall is barely twenty years old.
It's hardly the worst offender as far as remakes go -- 'The Amazing Spiderman' came out last weekend to raving lukewarm reviews, and the last movie in Sam Rami's Spiderman series came out a single-digit number of years ago that I'm too lazy to look up and confirm. 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,' admittedly a foreign film but already a complete trilogy in English got its domestic remake two years after the original. 'American Psycho' is being remade this year, and it's from freaking 2000. Seems like Hollywood's remake binge is finally catching up to itself.
Soon they'll start remaking movies that are still in the works. My bet is that 'The Hobbit' won't actually be split into two parts, but that next year's film will be a recut of this year's.
This trend is irritating. But 'Total Recall' is especially irritating. And not because it's barely twenty years old, but because it's an Arnold film. And you can't remake an Arnold film.
What do I mean by that? Glad you asked. The biggest clue is in what I just said -- 'Arnold film.' And absolutely nobody reading this should take issue with calling his films that. Arnold Schwartzenegger is such a pop culture icon, a force all his own, that he's effectively created an entire genre with a certain set of expectations. Just like in noir films you expect high contrast lighting, solo saxophones and intrigue, in an Arnold film you expect over-the-top action, cheesy one-liners, explosions, and freaking Arnold Schwartzenegger. Well, and possibly male pregnancy, but 'Junior' is a special case.
Note that except for that last criteria, the genre Arnold film fits 'Total Recall' to a tee. 'Total Recall' isn't just sci-fi or action, it's an Arnold film.
So why does all that matter? Because remakes are always done with other actors, and we've defined that Total Recall's genre is 'Arnold film.' By definition, you can't have an Arnold film without Arnold, and that's what they're doing. This is like taking 'When Harry Met Sally' and remaking it as a Vietnam War period piece. Which now doesn't seem too far-fetched. Point is, it's taking things too far to entirely switch genres when delivering a remake, and delivering a remake of an Arnold film as a mere science fiction piece is simply unforgiveable. I leave you today with the following video on YouTube, which should cement Arnold films as one of the defining genres of the early 90s: Arnold Schwarzenegger: Best DVD Commentary Ever
