A Pointless Post

I use this blog for a lot of things.  Sometimes I rant and make myself look like a huge arse, sometimes I pontificate, sometimes I geek out.

Right now, I'm using it to say that I use it for lots of things.  I've got nothing else.

Come back tomorrow.

EDIT: Also, I like 'Neutron Star Collision' by Muse. Now which one of their producers thought it'd be just fantastic to have it headline the third Twilight film and have it be about the main characters?  Watch the music video.  Doesn't matter that there's Twicrap footage spliced in -- he's obviously not singing about them.

Why u grab door im holding???

A very large part of my job involves walking through doors. I work on a large campus, so there are many doors to walk through, and since a lot of other people work there, they walk through those doors too. So given that both I and a lot of other people frequent these doors, it's inevitable that eventually, one of us will end up holding a door for the other.

And it's often going to be me, because, gosh, I'm just such a nice guy.

But something really odd caught my attention yesterday. I can very clearly be standing back, away from the doorway, holding the door way back, and a lot of people will go out of their way to touch the door ever so briefly, going so far as to lean way the heck over to the point of endangering their equilibrium just so they can reach the fracking thing.

After the sixth or so time this happened, I could only look to the Heavens and cry out, why? Why would people inconvenience themselves so much in order to touch a door that I'm obviously holding for the purpose of them not having to do that?

This question, in spite of its relative unimportance to my daily life, burned like a thousand value meals at Taco Bell. So I posed the question in a Facebook status update. And the responses came pouring in. Some were thoughtful, others silly, and some yet unapologetically derp. But I wanted to take some time to address each of the possibilities in the interest of getting to the bottom of this. Possibilities like...


1. It's Just A Habit

I can understand this. We do things out of habit all the time even when it wouldn't normally make sense. For example, it's pretty stupid to try and catch a falling bunch of knives unless you're Wolverine. Yet if you saw one fall out of the corner of your eye, it'd be a pretty understandable reflex to try to catch it, regardless of the sudden freedom that action would probably owe to the blood in your wrists.

And on the less deadly end of the spectrum, what about all those times you reach for something that is always in a certain place, only to find it isn't? Your phone is always on the right side of the desk next to your shrunken head collection -- why would you even look? So this kind of makes sense.

Except that someone holding the door is neither an event that takes most people by surprise, nor is it something that can happen without a person noticing. No, it did not just fly open in your face and you can't perform telekinesis. It's got to be something else. Something like...


2. They Don't Trust The Laws Of Physics

Let's face it. Of all the laws in the universe that we understand, we understand the laws of physics probably the least. Especially gravity. What in the world is it about something as big as a planet that makes it pull things into itself? And if it's such a strong force, why is it so easy to break? Ever tried pulling magnets apart? It's easy.

Gravity is such a tease.

So maybe all those people have the same deep-seated mistrust of physics that I do. Maybe they suspect that if they don't reach out a hand and give that door a tap, physics might fail outright and the door will go right through my hand, beginning a deadly trajectory toward the back of their head. Sure, it sounds silly, probably even to them. But they know that the one time they choose not to put out that safety hand, the door's got their number. Better safe than sorry.

Of course, if that happened, if physics failed, what would make their hand any more solid than mine? Actually, what would make them any more solid? The door could just swing harmlessly through them -- or, physics could kick back in just as it's beginning to close and it could rematerialize in the middle of their torso. So really, the logical reaction here would be to get the hell out of the way.

So that can't be it either. Maybe the answer is less science-fictiony. Something such as...

3.  They Know I'm Just Looking For A Reason To Slam The Door In Their Face

Now that's just mean.

So let's move on to... 

4. They Just Want To Help 

Let's assume for a moment that people are basically good. I know, based on previous posts, that's a leap in logic. But hear me out. They approach the door, all ready to put their arm muscles to use and heave that door wide open, but then they see me lil' ol' me grab it and hold it back for them, freely giving of myself so that they don't have to waste their valuable energy on a simple door. So they feel for me. They honestly appreciate what I'm doing, but they desire so badly to give back that they feel like they need to contribute.

So they reach out in passing and give the door one. Little. Tap. To signal that they appreciate my efforts, and though they are perfectly capable of opening that door on their own, they accept my help. It's really just a sweet gesture of appreciation.

On the other hand, if I keep writing on this possibility, I may end up giving myself and everyone reading diabetes. Really, what are the odds that that many people are so selfless and saccharine-sweet? Some of you are. But that's not going to be a conscious reason for everyone.

In any case, each of the above are seemingly valid reasons, ranging from habit to paranoia to appreciation. But there's something else. Something deeper. Something that can only be explained by understanding that...

5. I Live In An Egalitarian Society 

Equality is a huge deal these days. Everyone gets treated equally, in both the good and bad ways. No one person is intrinsically better or worse than anyone else. A beggar has the same rights as someone who gained riches playing the stock market. And really, I agree with this sentiment.

But sometimes it does extend to something as silly as holding a door. I guess the thinking may go in this case that if I have the ability to open the door, so do they. And that's what that little tap means. It's that person saying, "Well thank you, but I'll have you know that I'm perfectly capable of opening that door on my own. So, just to prove it--" TAP.

It's not just women, either, if that's what you're thinking. Guys do it too. People, yes, it's true. We were all created equal, we all have the same rights, and we all have the capability to open a freaking door. But you know what? Don't take it as an insult if someone chooses to do something for you that you're able to do on your own, because maybe they're just trying to be nice.

I'm not saying that this is really the reason for all or even most. But to you egalitarians out there: I'm with you. I really am. But I am still going to hold the door for you, and you've just got to get used to it.

But on second thought, go ahead and keep reaching for that door on the off-chance that reason #3 ends up being the case.

Why I'm Probably a Supervillian

Hey, you remember those quizzes that were all the rage a couple years ago?  You know, the ones that asked you this long series of unrelated questions about your life and then told you to answer them by putting iTunes on shuffle? 

Well, I did one of these just now because I couldn't think of anything to write about. I'll share the answers with you; Some of them are scarily accurate, others hilarious, and still more so nonsensical that it's a stretch to assign them any meaning whatsoever.  And yet, as is only right, I have done my best to frame each answer as a deep, clever insight, using only my wit and neatly placed parentheticals.  Enjoy!

How am I feeling today?
Stand Here with Me - Creed
(Somewhere between needy and clingy.)

Will I get far in life?
Dread and the Fugitive Mind - Megadeth
(The better question is: How far will I make it from the prison before they track me down and drag me back?)


How do my friends see me?
Bye Bye Beautiful - Nightwish
(I see two interpretations here.  They're jealous of my looks and plan to disown me, or they're jealous and plan to cover me in gasoline and packing peanuts and then set me on fire.)

When will I get Married?
My Sacrifice - Creed
(No answer as far as timetable goes.  But apparently I won't be thrilled about it.)

What is my best friend's theme song?
The Dream of a Normal Death - Murray Gold
(Hahaha!  All these odd and unusual deaths will constantly present themselves to him and he will grow increasingly exasperated as he searches for that one perfectly mundane death.)

What is the story of my life?
Crash Landing - Jack Wall
(Nobody expected me to show up and I caused a hell of an explosion when I did.)

What was high school like?
Erana's Garden - Aubrey Hodges
(Pretty, but altogether creepy.  Also one of the only safe places to sleep in the entire country.)

How am I going to get ahead in life?
Dead to the World - Nightwish
(Apathy!  I knew I was on to something.)

What is the best thing about me?
Walk On Water - Milk Inc.
(My supernatural aspects can't be discounted.)

How is today going to be?
Turn the Page - Metallica
(Just another day in the life... and it's after midnight.  Awesome.  Bring on the monotony!)

What is in store for this weekend?
The White Stuff - Weird Al
(For all you sickos out there, this song is about Oreos. The cookie.)

What song describes my parents?
Late Great Planet Earth - Plumb
(They always did strike me as particularly post-apocalyptic.)

How is my life going?
Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
(That... that one is just painful.)

What song will play at my funeral?
Masterpiece Conspiracy - P.O.D.
(We assure you everyone, he is most certainly dead! ...Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.)

How does the world see me?
Get On (Away from me) - Third Day
(Unwanted and unloved.  I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight.)

Will I have a happy life?
Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra
(If that's where happiness is, let's go!)

What do my friends really think of me?
Idiot Box - Incubus
(No respect!  None whatsoever!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Rebirthing - Skillet
(Only when I reinvent myself.  They quickly lose interest after.)

How can I make myself happy?
Neutron Star Collision - Muse
(Again, two possible meanings.  I either need to find my polar opposite, or start smashing stars together.  The second sounds more fun.)

What should I do with my life?
Soul - Matchbox Twenty
(Yes... I'm a soul man. <ba-duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh>)

Will I ever have children?
1000 Julys - Third Eye Blind
(Yes.  Every one of them, named July.  Daycares will make millions off me.)

What is some good advice for me?
I Want You - Third Eye Blind
(That's not advice.  That's an unwanted advance.  Get away from me, you creepy quiz.)

What is my signature dancing song?
The Hazards Of Love - The Decemberists
(Also, the hazards of bad rhythm.)

What do I think my current theme song is?
Lint In My Pocket - lpoutsiders
(Give me a sec... okay, according to my bank account, yes.  This one's true.)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Deathaura - Sonata Arctica
(FEAR ME!!)

What type of women do I like?
Put Your Hand Inside The Puppet Head - They Might Be Giants
(I'm apparently not a big fan of women who think for themselves.  Hello, chauvinism.)

So what did I learn about myself from this quiz?  I'm needy, chauvinistic, unwanted, unloved and apathetic, yet also powerful, a master of deception, prone to theatrics, and the progenitor of a new breed of crazy people.

Holy crap.  I'm a supervillian.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present -- me.

A Word About Penguins

One time a dear friend of mine told me a joke.  It went something like this:

"Two penguins are in a bathtub.  One looks at the other and asks, 'Hey, can you pass the soap?'  The other penguin looks at him and says, 'What do I look like, a typewriter?'"

A simple joke on the surface, but deep and complex in its many intricacies.  Here's another one:
"Hey, ask me if I'm a firetruck."
"Are you a firetruck?"
"No."

Truly sublime and powerful on so many levels.

Now if you'll pardon me, there's a bowl of Cap'n Crunch that I have to introduce to my digestive tract.

What Happens Now?

Whenever I write a post, my process usually goes like this -- I wait for inspiration, then either write it on the spot or write it over the course of several days, depending on the complexity of the topic.  Either way my process is similar in one way, that way being that I wait for inspiration.  So I'm trying it the other way around this time.  I have no plan.  I'm just going to start writing and see how it goes!

But first, I'm hungry, so I'm going to make some dinner.  Be back in a bit.

Okay, I'm back.  Rice and paninis take a while to cook, so I have a bit to chat.

All right, I got one.  I was thinking about this in the kitchen for no reason whatsoever (okay, that's a lie, the reason's only been on my mind all freaking week) but isn't it so weird how we constantly go 'what if' about things and then never even attempt to find the answer to the question?  We always tends toward what's safe, and this is in no way a criticism of other people over me.  I'm more guilty than most.

Having realized that, instead of just idly wondering 'what would it be like to bit into this huge chunk of salami and would it taste good,' I went ahead and did it.  Turns out salami is best eaten with other food, but I never would have known that for sure if I hadn't gone for it.  I also kept eating it because I secretly suspected it might get better.  It didn't.  But again, I never would have known that if I hadn't gone for it.

I also put my iTunes on shuffle and despite my usual desire to find a song that I like in the moment, I'm just letting it play.  Because maybe I have music on here that I actually love that I've just never given a chance.  So far, no luck, but I wouldn't know that I really didn't like these songs if I hadn't checked to be sure.

Then again, I was already pretty sure I didn't like Kutless (Talentless?  Suck-less?  I need a new name for them).

So all silliness aside, since life is much bigger than Salami or iTunes -- what is it that you're wondering about but have yet to find out?  I know what mine is, and I intend to go for it, but what about you?

See, this is why I plan things out ahead of time.  If I don't, I just ramble.

But it's oh, so enjoyable to rant!  Rant rant rant!

...right then.  Done now.

Deep Thoughts

I'd like to take a moment out of my busy day to state that, yes, I do in fact enjoy pizza a great deal.

Let's have a Hell of a time!

Warning: I'm going to talk about Hell in his blog post. I understand that's a touchy subject, so I probably run the risk of offending a lot of people who believe in God and also a lot of people who don't. But hey, if I'm going to offend people, why not be an equal-opportunity offender? Let's get down to business!

And by business, I mean that I'm going to blog about why I think that a loving God and Hell are not totally incompatible concepts. Now this is a concept that sounds odd, even to people who believe in God, which is probably why the last sermon you'd hear in any progressive church these days would be about hellfire and damnation. Funny thing about that is until around sixty years ago, that wasn't the case. We seem to, suddenly, feel like we have some divine right to being alive and, well, not burning for eternity.

Okay, since that's the mindset of society nowadays, let's go with that one. God exists, people die. People who accept and believe in him go to Heaven. But what about people who don't? They go to... Hell? If God exists, there's no way he'd let something as horrible as Hell exist, right? Well, let's take a moment and see what Google Image Search has to tell us about what the contemporary view of 'Hell' is. Apparently, it's like the end of 'The Black Hole,' but less confusing.

The narrative here is a lot clearer than the end of that movie.

Where did we come up with this image of Hell? Well, according to the gospels Jesus said there would be a 'furnace of fire' and 'weeping and gnashing of teeth.' So... that's kinda awful. Because he also says that anybody that rejects God goes there. Wow.

Good thing that's probably not what Hell actually is.

But wait, Jesus said it! It's in the Bible! Well, that's true. He also said faith was a mustard seed, and trees don't typically sprout from people's chests during Sunday worship.

See, Jesus loved himself some metaphors. They're everywhere in the sermons he delivered. Just like mustard trees haven't decimated church-goers, people who reject God won't start snapping their jaws repeatedly and sinking into lava. Jesus was trying to get across a point – Hell is a place of indescribable eternal torment, and this metaphor was a good way to get across to a bunch of desert nomads that they didn't want to be there.

So Hell sucks. It's probably not literal fire, but it still sucks. That still doesn't answer the original question though – why would God send anyone there? Well, I'm going to say that he doesn't.

90% of the people reading this blog just made this face.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that nobody goes there. It's just that God isn't forcing them. Which means... to go to Hell... a person would have to choose it. Well nobody's that stupid. Hell should be almost empty, right? Like mostly death metal fans with an IQ below fifty?

Let me switch gears here for a moment. I don't feel like writing a novel at the moment, so let's take it as a foregone conclusion that good things come from God. Trust me, it's in the Bible somewhere. Google it like I should have if you don't believe me. Now this world has some terribly sucky aspects to it, but there's a lot of good in it too. People's basic goodness, love, happiness, friendship, laughter, the feel of sun on your skin, the taste of a juicy burger with bacon, Mountain Dew, etc – if you take the above statement as truth, all that exists because of Godly influence.

Now someone can totally say, 'screw God' and completely disown him, letting him know that he/she has no need for him or belief in him. But that person still is going to run into good things, because they're unavoidable. The police will still help you nail your mugger even if you don't pay your taxes, and you'll be grateful for it.

You might also notice that in this example, the knife made you bleed whether or not you believed in it.

So good is unavoidable. Even if our words or actions say we don't need God, we're going to run into it. But then we die and God goes, 'Sucker! Now you're gonna pay ALL the back taxes for the good I didn't owe you! Burn!' Well, back up... like I said before, I don't think God sends anyone to Hell.

See, we say in life that we don't want anything to do with God. So we die, and he honors that decision. We had to put up with all of his 'good' crap for our entire lives, and now we finally get the chance to get along without it. So we end up somewhere where God is completely absent – and by extension, anything good.

That is Hell. The complete absence of good and something that we actively chose. It's frankly unimaginable. I was going to use a metaphor to try and describe it, but if 'lake of fire' is the best Jesus can do, I'd better not even try.

Actually, here's a screenshot of the unanimously agreed 'worst site on the web.' This at least ought to be close.

So that's it, huh? An eternity of that? That's torment beyond imagination. Even if a person inadvertently chose it, they would see the error of their ways almost immediately, right? Hell can't be eternal... right?

Well, while I believe God basically owns us and he can do whatever he wants with us, I do find it tough to swallow that he'd let us stay there for eternity. I'd like to think that there's some second chance... but I'm not writing about that just yet... in fact, I'd be very interested to hear other peoples' thoughts on that. Comments section below. Debate, flame and tear away!