Commando Recall of Predatorial Lies that Terminate on the Sixth Day

Or Why Nobody Should Ever Remake an Arnold Schwartzenegger Film

So has anybody else been keeping an eye on the 'Total Recall' remake that's coming out soon? No? Well, that makes me feel better, since I haven't either. Really, I think it's a bit too soon to be remaking that film. The statute of limitations on remakes needs to be at least thirty years, and Total Recall is barely twenty years old.

It's hardly the worst offender as far as remakes go -- 'The Amazing Spiderman' came out last weekend to raving lukewarm reviews, and the last movie in Sam Rami's Spiderman series came out a single-digit number of years ago that I'm too lazy to look up and confirm. 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,' admittedly a foreign film but already a complete trilogy in English got its domestic remake two years after the original. 'American Psycho' is being remade this year, and it's from freaking 2000. Seems like Hollywood's remake binge is finally catching up to itself.

Soon they'll start remaking movies that are still in the works. My bet is that 'The Hobbit' won't actually be split into two parts, but that next year's film will be a recut of this year's.

This trend is irritating. But 'Total Recall' is especially irritating. And not because it's barely twenty years old, but because it's an Arnold film. And you can't remake an Arnold film.

What do I mean by that? Glad you asked. The biggest clue is in what I just said -- 'Arnold film.' And absolutely nobody reading this should take issue with calling his films that. Arnold Schwartzenegger is such a pop culture icon, a force all his own, that he's effectively created an entire genre with a certain set of expectations. Just like in noir films you expect high contrast lighting, solo saxophones and intrigue, in an Arnold film you expect over-the-top action, cheesy one-liners, explosions, and freaking Arnold Schwartzenegger. Well, and possibly male pregnancy, but 'Junior' is a special case.

Note that except for that last criteria, the genre Arnold film fits 'Total Recall' to a tee. 'Total Recall' isn't just sci-fi or action, it's an Arnold film.

So why does all that matter? Because remakes are always done with other actors, and we've defined that Total Recall's genre is 'Arnold film.' By definition, you can't have an Arnold film without Arnold, and that's what they're doing. This is like taking 'When Harry Met Sally' and remaking it as a Vietnam War period piece. Which now doesn't seem too far-fetched. Point is, it's taking things too far to entirely switch genres when delivering a remake, and delivering a remake of an Arnold film as a mere science fiction piece is simply unforgiveable. I leave you today with the following video on YouTube, which should cement Arnold films as one of the defining genres of the early 90s: Arnold Schwarzenegger: Best DVD Commentary Ever

I'm back!

In whatever sense that may imply. I'm very rarely every here, per se. I actually spend a great deal of time, no matter where I am, not being 'there.'

Oh, I can pull it off for maybe an hour, hour and a half, but eventually I just get overwhelmed, begin to tune out, and end up in my own brain. Some people become the kind of wallflower that just sits back and watches, but not me. I literally just tune out, every so often tuning back in to realize I don't know what's going on. It's kind of like constantly changing the channel back and forth between ESPN and Seinfeld.

But this blog isn't about linear, easily-followed thoughts. This blog is for unfocused rambling, and I'll be damned if I'm going to post something coherent.

Like spaghetti. Ever think of spaghetti that way? It's like a room full of people, all talking and carrying on completely separate conversations. If everyone's loud enough, walking into that room would be like walking into a plate full of spaghetti. All these threads that make sense to the participants, but from an unbiased perspective it all seems like a giant unfocused mess.

Of course, spaghetti is squishy and people aren't. Well, they are to a point, but then you get down to the bone.

PEPPERONI!

The Tuna's Complete Guide To Being A Happy, Well-Adjusted Human Being

Never argue on the internet.