So I wrote my own!
Aries: Remember that parasitic flatworms favor ichthyoid hosts the next time you go out for sushi.
Taurus: Doubt is the only obstacle to success. You're a born linebacker.
Gemini: Women love compliments. Especially backhanded ones. Remember this at the bar tomorrow night.
Cancer: You probably have it. Get yourself checked out.
Leo: You are the exception to every rule. Especially the ones about public nudity.
Virgo: The ideas you have in the middle of the night are always the best ones. Don't dilute them by looking at them again in the morning.
Libra: You're the funniest guy in the room. Those are looks of awe on their faces.
Scorpio: 'Tis the season of love, and you are going to love being single.
Sagittarius: No, you don't have a ruptured appendix. It's just gas. Persistent, specific gas.
Capricorn: Guns aren't always loaded. That's just stupid. Trust your instincts.
Aquarius: Trans-fats are the secret to immortality. Get crackin', tubbo.
Pisces: Psychotic serial killers are confused by unorganized chaos. Better split up.
That took me all of ten minutes and I'd argue these are just as useful as real horoscopes, and probably less harmful.
Maybe except for the gun one. I can see where that could go wrong.
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